I Am The Ocean
by eastern.meridian
Summary: AU MerDer, sequel to "At The Edge Of The Ocean". Three years after their wedding, Meredith and Derek still learn what it really means to live happily ever after. A bittersweet story about the force of love, family and friendship.
1. Chapter 1: A Perfect Day

**Hello! This is my newest fic "I Am The Ocean" and it's ****the sequel to the story called "At The Edge Of The Ocean" though I think it makes sense as an independent story without reading the first part.**

**As I've already written back in "AEO", it's set two years into the future and centered on Meredith and Derek. About the plot, I won't say too much now. The main plot line will be revealed in a couple of updates and it can be described as bittersweet, I guess. But enough of my talking. I really hope you'll enjoy. The first chapter is mainly fluff and something I promised back in the first part :) **

**Enjoy!**

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A portly courier clad in a black uniform wiped his sweaty brow and seeing a long line of cars in front of him, decided to park at a distance and walk up to the house on foot. He rolled his eyes. First, he had to drive out here for more than an hour and now he was forced to trek. Was it some new freaking fashion to live in the wilderness where devil said goodnight?

He approached the gate, pressed the button on the entry phone and waited. Nothing. He pushed once again, longer and more insistently. Nothing. What the hell? The house was surely full of people, the cars stationed by the side of the road clearly indicated that. He eyed the fence cautiously. No way he was going to get inside other way than through the gate. It was high and solid, protected with a state-of-the-art alarm system.

He was already resolved to stick an arrival note with his phone number in the mailbox and let the addressee worry about receiving the letter when an elderly couple carrying a package approached the gate.

"I can't believe we're that late! You and your work!" a plump black woman berated a man that was probably her husband.

"Sweetheart, you now it's not much longer-"

"Not now, Richard!" she cut him short noticing a newcomer, "Sir, do you need help?"

"I have a letter for Dr. Shepherd but no one's answering."

"There's a birthday party going on," explained the woman dialing the code on the gate. Apparently, they were frequent guests. "If you can follow me, sir."

The woman and her husband quickly hurried into the house but the messenger slowed down his pace studying the garden with curiosity. Hell, he wouldn't have time to deliver any more dispatches today anyway. He glanced around; it was one beautiful place. He whistled admiringly, the owners must have loaded a lot of cash in that house. He leisurely climbed the three steps leading to the porch. He tripped over an abandoned inflatable ball and he would have fallen, hadn't he grasped the frame of the widely opened door. His line of vision leveled directly with a wooden board carrying the words "Welcome to the Herd."

He shrugged, eccentrics was the mildest epithet that could describe his thoughts. The messenger slowly walked into the house that seemed deserted except the distant sounds of music and laughter. He went on through the hall and took a door leading more into the confines of the house. Wrong turn. It seemed like a study with a messy desk and lots of books on the shelves. Every space on the walls was covered with letters and drawings or framed diplomas. One looked particularly impressive amongst others and was probably the most treasured, the one that bore the name "Harper-Avery Award." It didn't ring any bells to the messenger though and he backed out scraping his head, just when he heard quickened footsteps.

"I'm sorry!" he said and a pretty woman in a white sundress showing off nice legs turned to him, balancing a large birthday cake with two candles.

"Who are you?" she asked with a slight frown. "And how did you get in?"

"One of your guest let me in," answered hurriedly the man, sweating suddenly. You never knew what those rich guys could do to you on their land. Shoot first, ask questions later. "I have a letter for Dr. Shepherd."

"Which Doctor Shepherd?" asked the blond with a grin putting the cake on the coffee table gingerly and wiping her hands on her dress, or maybe straightening it out. She didn't seem too comfortable in this type of clothing.

"Uhm," the messenger checked the name. "Meredith, Meredith Shepherd."

"That's me," she smiled widely. "Where should I sign? I'm kinda in a hurry."

"Here," he pointed at the form. She leaned in inhaling an enticing delicate scent and was able to take a peek down her deep cleavage; there were certainly perks to this job. She wrote her name messily. Two rings on her finger, married. The hubby was one lucky guy. The messenger wondered how old she was. She certainly possessed that kind of teenage beauty that didn't betray her age.

"Thank you, Ma'am," he nodded and gave her the envelope.

"Cake, cake, cake!" dozens of voices coming from outside shouted their demand.

"Oh, crap," she bit her lip waving her hands nervously.

"I'll see myself out," assured hurriedly the messenger.

"Thanks," she muttered absent-mindedly and threw the letter on the coffee table next to the tray without even checking the sender. She picked the cake and maneuvered herself between the small table and the couch while unknowingly to her, the hem of her dress swept over the envelope and pushed it onto the carpet and under the sofa. But she had more important things on her mind, things like delivering a huge cake impeccably to the back garden where her son's birthday party was in the full swing.

"We want cake! We want cake!"

Instead of quickening her pace, she slowed down, a mask of concentration on her face. Why did Derek always send her with the mission of bringing cakes? Oh, yeah, because her husband enjoyed making fun of her afterwards. Luckily though, her biggest fear never yet came true; she never tripped or dived straight into the sweet icing with her face.

Wait! Meredith stopped abruptly in her tracks. Crap, the candles! She knew she had forgotten about something important. She once again made a stop to put the cake down and ran to the kitchen for the lighter. Once the two candles were burning, she resumed her walk, slipped through the sliding doors to the universal applause and started to sing, "Happy Birthday to You…"

Everyone took up and the booming song carried across the uninhabited area around.

"Happy Birthday to You, Happy Birthday to You, Happy Birthday Dear Michael, Happy Birthday To You!"

Meredith placed the cake on the table before her widely smiling son who was standing on a chair, held by his father, flanked by his sister, all of them surrounded by their family and friends.

"Do you have a wish, Muffin?" Meredith crouched beside him and rubbed his tiny arm. "Close your eyes, and think about your wish."

She watched with reverence how his eyes protected with thick eyelashes closed tightly and he scrunched his face in concentration. He looked so much like Derek. The older he got, the similarities became more and more pronounced. His black hair was wild and increasingly difficult to control. Derek took extra care to keep it in order, saying that bad hair could ruin one's childhood. About the nose, well, it was clearly all Derek though it still looked innocently in a two-year-old.

"You've got your wish, Mike?" asked Derek

"Yes!" The little boy nodded eagerly.

"Blow the candles!" shouted excitedly Bessie. "You want me help you, Mikey? On three!"

Mike took an impossibly deep breath making the others chuckle while Bessie counted, "One… Two…"

Michael blew strongly extinguishing the candles.

"Mikey, I said on three!"

Everyone laughed and clapped their hands.

"Happy birthday, Sweetie," Meredith hugged his squirming form and was joined by Derek who ruffled his raven locks. "You're a big boy now," he said proudly.

"A small big boy," insisted Meredith. The children were growing so fast, too fast in Meredith's mind. Bessie was a little beauty, with her rosy cheeks and a blond wavy mane of hair, oh, and her mischievous character. Well, that particular trait she shared with her brother.

She and Mike were surprisingly in accordance, especially when playing tricks on their parents and having a good laugh. The rifts were scarce, although a couple of days ago, the Shepherd's household was torn by a violent row.

While wandering close to the main road during a walk, Derek and Bessie found a discarded basket that, to the little girl's utmost delight, contained a famished kitten. Apparently, for their daughter is was a love at first sight. Meredith couldn't refuse the distressed blue pair of pleading eyes and then another one, that of the grayish kitten, now christened Lucinda after Bessie's best friend from daycare.

Michael severely experienced that his sister's attention was now directed at the little mewling creature and teary-eyed, stamping his foot down, demanded categorically that he wanted one as well. As a consequence, Derek and Meredith rethought their birthday present.

"Time for presents!" said excitedly Derek.

"Wait a minute!" Meredith hopped around the table her eyes searching and grabbed the camera. For at least five minutes before some pager went off, everyone was here. "We need a picture! Everyone, picture time, come on!"

She built a little tower from Mike's presents and placed the camera on top.

"Squeeze in a little," she ordered with a wave of her hand. "Geez, I know Derek's hair takes half of the space but try to squeeze in!"

She set the timer and ran back to her family.

"You're gonna pay for that," whispered Derek with a teeth showing grin waiting for the camera to set off.

"I'm counting on it," she quipped smirking at him.

He chuckled and caught her lips in a sweet kiss in the exact moment the picture was taken.

"Could you not do that in front of my face?" grumbled Cristina behind them.

"My present!"shouted Mike impatiently tugging at their sleeves. "Please, Mommy, Daddy!"

"Coming right there," smiled Derek and disappeared into the house, coming out seconds later with a basket which was emitting loud noises.

"Open up, Mikey," Meredith kneeled behind him. "It's from me and Daddy."

He reached his little hand towards the basket but backed it quickly with a giggle when the lid jumped up.

"Go on," encouraged Meredith.

Mike bit his lip and resolutely peeked into the basket when he was welcomed by a snowy and brown Australian Shepherd puppy licking his cheek. Meredith shared a look of relief with her husband as their son's green eyes shone with happiness and his arms hugged the puppy that was excitedly wagging his short tail.

For Meredith and Derek, buying a dog proved harder than for most people. They still remembered Doc, their dog that symbolized their relationship at one point, and the apparent demise of it. They always thought about him when they strolled over the lake where he was buried. Deciding to get a puppy for Mike felt like a huge resolve somehow and it brought a lot of memories, some of them painful. But it was that or having a second cat in the house.

"He's so cute!" Bessie kneeled to pat the fair head of the dog. "You have to name him, Mikey!"

Meredith got to her feet and recuperated the camera checking out the group picture. She smiled warmly, it was a great day, almost all their friends were able to come. Cristina and Owen were standing right behind her and Derek. Her person was carrying her eternal scowl on her face. Well, the scowl wasn't so frequent now but she and Derek kissed directly into her face so that had to bring a strong reaction.

Other than that, Cristina was quite happy with her life. Since last year all the friends from the fab five were now attendings. She specialized in cardio as she had always wanted. Since last year also, she was the wife of Owen Hunt. Apparently, Meredith's marriage seemed like a good example to follow. When Owen started to mention exchanging wedding bands Cristina assumed it was time to take matters in her own hands before they span out of control. After a freak out conversation with her best friend, she dragged him to city hall and yeah, they got hitched. Since then, they had their ups and down but they were going strong.

Meredith's eyes glided over the picture to Izzie and Alex. They too got to together a couple of months ago. They were still on a bumpy road, continuously on and off but now it seemed like a real deal for both of them.

On the other side of the image, just next to the frame stood George with a stoic expression on his face. Of all her friends, he was the most lonely and lost one or had been at least. Under the mentorship of Owen he seemed to find his call in trauma surgery. In secret, he got enlisted into the army and set off for Iraq, making his friends sleep fretfully for many nights. He got back three months ago, safe and sound, but still not completely whole.

Beside him were Tuck, Miranda and Tucker Sr. Their rocky marriage still thrived even though Bailey was like on hot coals, always busy in the OR, in the clinic and now intent on doing a second specialty, pediatric surgery.

Then there were Richard and Adele, who, as Meredith liked to say, were Bessie and Mike's fake grandparents and fulfilled that title with highest delight. The hospital rumor had it that Chief was about to step down but no one really believed it any more. The gossip had been reheated too many times before.

Susan and Thatcher competed actively with the Webbers for being favorite grandparents. Gradually, their relationship with Meredith became more warm and open even if awkward moments happened occasionally.

As for Meredith's sisters, it was unthinkable for them to be absent on such an important day. Lexie was halfway through her internship and still, surprisingly to many at Seattle Grace, in relationship with Mark Sloan. Indeed, the manwhore was gone. Right now, he was the runner-up in the race of the most whipped men at the hospital, just after Derek. Astonishingly, if someone could be accused of getting cold feet it would be Lexie. For the reasons undisclosed to anyone, she adamantly refused to move in with Mark.

Molly was also present at the party along with her husband, Eric, and their lovely three-year-old Laura. After her return to Seattle, Meredith quickly found common language with Lexie with whom she shared many traits, apart from professional interests. However, given the opportunity, her youngest sister proved an equally enjoyable companion. The Thompsons were this friendly family with whom you could put up a barbecue together, exchange remarks about kids, send your children for a sleepover… Laura was Bessie and Mike's regular playmate and the three of them together wreaked havoc all around. The gang was soon to be expanded as Molly was four-months-pregnant expecting her second child and Meredith's godson.

The position of the hospital manwhore vacated by Mark was now occupied by no other than Ned for whom Seattle became his true home. He was also at the party chatting up one of the single moms as Meredith banned him from brining some bimbo he was in the habit of picking up.

As Meredith looked up from the photo she couldn't shake the feeling that there were people she sorely missed. Carolyn was in New York. If she wanted to attend each and every of her grandchildren's birthdays she would have to live on a plane. Also the Warrens couldn't be in Seattle, their business holding them back in Switzerland. They were in constant contact but the last occasion they saw each other was Christmas. Time flew.

"You look pensive," remarked Molly walking up with a massive piece of cake.

"And you look glowing," smiled Meredith, her eyes sweeping over her sister's rounded belly.

"You want one of yours too," Molly wiggled her eyebrows suggestively.

"Derek's saving me one before you hungry wolves eat everything to the ground," quipped Meredith.

Molly giggled madly covering her mouth with her hand. "I meant a baby bump," she said through laughter, "but I guess you should turn to Derek for that too."

"I guess," nodded Meredith joining her sister in laughter.

"So?" asked Molly leaning curiously.

"So I might have thought about it," replied Meredith noncommittally cocking her head from side to side, "once or twice…"

Molly smiled wildly, "Are you trying guys?"

"No," Meredith shook her head. "I haven't even mentioned it to Derek… I mean, it just popped in my head a few days ago. It feels like a right time."

"Yeah, I know the feeling," agreed Molly. After complications with Laura, she was slightly apprehensive over what another pregnancy might bring but she wanted to create another tiny baby and that craving turned out stronger.

"I finished the trial, I might take a breather… Michael is already two, Bessie, God, Bessie's so grown up," Meredith bit her lip fishing her daughter's head in the crowd of laughing kids.

"Yeah," nodded Molly. "I remember when you first brought her to dinner at Mom and Dad's."

"Derek nearly flipped last week when she said she wanted to make a cake for her husband from daycare," Meredith went on with a grin.

Molly shook in a fit of giggles, "I can imagine how he took it. What was next?"

"Next was that poor little guy didn't get invited for today," snorted Meredith.

"She doesn't seems to be much heartbroken," grinned Molly as Bessie chased with other kids.

"Apparently it wasn't her McDreamy," joked Meredith.

They fell into silence watching their children play, it was a sight to admire. That was, until Tuck pulled firmly one of Bessie's two long braids with a smirk. She turned quickly glaring at him and ready to seek vengeance.

"Now, watch this," muttered Meredith to Molly with a knowing smirk.

"Uhm, isn't he like three years older?" asked Molly with a frown.

But before Bessie could impose any physical damage to Tucker, Michael appeared like a little spitfire and kicked him decidedly on the shin, making the much older boy wince in pain that brought tears to his eyes.

"Yup, my children clearly inherited my suicidal tendencies," mumbled Meredith.

"That's my boy!" Meredith and Molly rolled their eyes hearing Derek's proud hiss from the end of the table.

"What did you say?" asked Bailey with a scowl, coming up behind him.

"It was defense," Derek folded his arms on his chest, looking smugly down at Miranda.

She quirked her eyebrows, Shepherd stood up to her? "Oh, now you grew some balls, because your little clone kicked my son?"

"That's what is for those who take too much interest in my daughter," he smirked.

Miranda raised his eyebrows pityingly. "And you're for a long and painful future, Shepherd," she muttered walking away snatching her piece of cake.

Derek muttered something incomprehensible under his breath that sounded suspiciously like "wimp".

"I thought everyone was deadly scared of Dr. Bailey?" giggled Molly.

"You don't know what having a son does to a man's ego," Meredith rolled her eyes.

"Poor Bess," remarked Molly. "Are the two of them always going to keep her like a princess locked in a tower?"

"Trust me, Mikey prevented a tragedy," laughed Meredith. "Derek's teaching Bess to kick every boy who makes her angry between the legs."

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Meredith halted in the middle of the living room on her way from the backyard to the kitchen, her hands full with a large stack of dirty plates. She had this nagging little feeling she had forgotten about something. She glanced around the room thinking deeply.

All their guests already drove off, either back to work or home. Thatcher and Susan took the birthday boy for a sleepover, while Bessie was having a girls' night at Molly's. Meredith frowned. She made sure both of their sunshines had their backpacks… That was not it…

"Meredith?" the soft voice of her husband broke her from her reverie.

She whipped her head to see Derek leaning against the doorframe with a bottle of wine, two glasses in his hands and a dreamy smile on his lips. She felt a jolt of excitement in the pit of her stomach and licked her lips unconsciously.

He looked so incredibly delicious with his shirt loosened under his neck and the sleeves rolled up... no one could lean as sexy as him. A fleeting thought crossed her mind that he'd look even better leaning naked. She sometimes questioned if this addiction to him was normal. She knew his body by heart now, every inch, yet she could never drink her fill of him.

"Are you coming?" he asked with a low throaty voice, a telltale sign that he was already in the mood for…her. She felt her muscles clench, followed by wetness flooding her core.

"Shouldn't we clean up?" she smiled at him coyly.

"Leave it," he said firmly pointing at her load. "We'll have time tomorrow before we collect our little devils. Come on."

She deposited the plates on the coffee table and strolled to him slowly. Yeah, right, they surely wouldn't have time for anything tomorrow morning…

"Come… where?" she asked flicking her eyebrows suggestively.

"The balcony, of course," he replied with a smirk. "After you, love."

She walked past him swinging her hips knowing he'd be looking at her ass.

"Ah," she gasped. "You want the entire Seattle watch us while we're…" she trailed off.

"Drinking wine?" he chuckled.

She glanced up at him over her shoulder with a knowing look as they entered their bedroom, walking past the king-sized bed towards the glass door onto the balcony.

"Did you have something else on your mind, Mrs. Shepherd?" he inquired innocently.

"Actually, yes," she grinned deviously leaning back comfortably in the lounge chair, sparing a few seconds for her eyes to glide over the panorama of the city. Their bedroom was directly over the living room, thus sharing the same magnificent view. The balcony was one of their favorite spots for lovemaking, not that they used it very often for that purpose with two small children under the roof. And now the rumors that people from the city wanted to build in the area were quite worrying too.

"Actually what?" he smirked pouring the ruby liquid into the glasses.

"Actually, I'd like to see you dance for me," she smiled smugly.

With extreme self-satisfaction, she watched his grin plummet.

"No way," he snorted.

"Fine," she acquiesced lightly taking her flute from his hands, "I guess then I'll have to put up with wine while you… the coach."

"You can't do that," he exclaimed indignantly. "You can't bring up the coach every time!"

"I think I can," she shrugged. "That's a wife's right."

"And where are husband's rights?" he huffed. "I never threaten you to withhold sex."

"Uhm, that's because the one time you did, you didn't make it even through one night," she giggled.

"That's because I love you unconditionally," he grumbled.

"I love you too," she cooed knocking her glass with his. "To our birthday boy."

He rolled his eyes and took a sip, sitting down near her legs. He put his glass away and caressed her calves skillfully. "We could take advantage of the empty house…" he whispered throatily.

"We could," she smirked, her skin tingling pleasantly under his touch. Encouraged by her words, he traced his fingers higher past her knees to her thighs… However, her hand stopped him just as he reached the hem of her sundress.

"You know what you should do to make me drop it," she battled her eyelashes.

Derek hang his head low, he hoped she'd give it a rest. But when did his vixen of a wife ever give rest to anything that made him squirm?

"Please," he whined flicking his thumbs over the sensitive skin of her inner thighs trying to redirect her attention.

"Nooo," she half-moaned swatting his hands away. "Come on, Derek, don't be shy," she cooed. "You know you're my star… and I can thank you _very_ nicely for your performance…"

"How nicely are we talking about?" he bargained arching his eyebrows eagerly, his pants tightening over his groin.

"As nicely as you can imagine," she purred, her little tongue swiping her lips.

He chuckled and stood up with a sigh. "Tell me why I let you abuse me like that?"

"Hmm, maybe because you know I reward you tenfold?" she giggled. "Come on, show what you've got, baby?"

He rolled his eyes and asked uncomfortably, "Uhm, here?"

"Right here," she nodded sipping her wine preparing herself for Derek's body to be uncovered before her eyes. "You need music, Der?"

"Nah," he threw self-critically. "The music won't help me, I've got no rhythm anyway."

"That is true," she snickered.

"Then I don't understand why you continuously pester me for dancing," he narrowed his eyes at her, unbuttoning his shirt.

"Because my weird self finds it sexy," she quipped her eyes greedily following his tapered chest being exposed.

He threw the shirt violently off his shoulders, the movement so not in sync with his awkward steps that made her giggle. He was all hers. Her eyes fixedly studied his flexing biceps and taut abs. Her gaze hungrily sank lower over his ass and then at the bulge in his pants when he whirled on the spot.

It always embarrassed him to no end, right from the first night after Meredith's bachelorette party when he was auctioned off and saved by her. But somehow his wife found it turning on. His was now raging in his pants seeing her flushed complexion and heaving chest. His fingers moved to unbuckled his belt and worked on the zipper.

"Oooh! Oh, yeah!" whooped Meredith. "Shake your ass, baby!"

Derek rolled his eyes but obediently swung his hips from side to side shimmying out of his pants and his boxers. He dropped them down and stepped from his clothes get rid of his shoes and socks. He walked up to her barefoot and naked, observing her eyes that were trained hypnotically on his shaft aching with need.

"Now, I believe you said something about thanking nicely…" he breathed out.

"Oh, yes," she uttered through her throat that went completely dry. "I enjoyed the show so much, Mr. Shepherd, you must know I'm the biggest fan of yours."

She sat upon her knees moving her fingers sensuously over his flanks.

"I think you're my only fan," he sucked air as her hand wandered dangerously close his groin. "I give only private performances…"

"I should thinks so," she blew air over his steely manhood that was now at her eye-level. "How do you want me to thank you, hm? I'm told I'm very skilled with my fingers…" She gently poked the opening on his tip already trickling with precum.

"Maybe later," he muttered, taking her hands and leading her to stand near the balustrade. "Now I want something else..."

"Yes," he whispered, kissed her soundly on the lips but before her tongue delved into his mouth, he turned her round to make her face the city sprawled widely far at the feet of their cliff. She bended automatically, grinding her butt against his rock-hard erection. She smirked to herself. She had blackmailed him into doing something he seemingly detested and now wanted to pay her back by having her in the position in which she had little control.

He wasted no time hitching up her dress over her buttocks and hooked his thumbs under her panties dragging them over her round cheeks and letting them pool at the floor. His fingers dived into her slick folds, taking her breath away.

"You're as ready for me as I'm for you," he panted and replaced his hand with his length. Her back arched at being completely filled with him. Her walls clasped momentarily around him adjusting to his size.

They were one seamless body, a well-oiled machine working flawlessly, even the screams and moans being completely in sync. He kept submerging into her warmth in the way he knew would pleasure her the most while she gave herself to him as much as she could. It didn't take long before her tight walls started clenching viciously around his hardness leading him towards his own release. They rode their orgasms, the sky darkening all around them while more and more lights were twinkling in the distance below. They leaned against the balustrade breathing hard in their postorgasmic bliss, shaking with aftershocks.

The day was perfect or as close to perfection as it could be.

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**A/N Soooo, I'm dying to know what you think****, please review! I have a clear cut idea for this story and also for a third part if it turns out worth reading.**

**Em :)**


	2. Chapter 2: Catwash

**A/N Hi, thank you for so many encouraging words after the first chapter! I really hope this story won't disappoint you, though I'm not entirely content with the following chapter.**** The plotline in this update is based on true facts (according to an article that I read some time ago on .uk, where I drew inspiration for the chapter). **

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"Hey, you're ready to go."

Meredith turned her head with a smile to see Derek standing at the door to her office. She put her research papers into her briefcase clasping it shut.

"You're not," she remarked at his scrubs.

"I've just got paged for a consult," he sighed. "I'll follow you home when I'm finished."

"Okay," she moved up to him between boxes of files stacked in her tiny workspace and climbed onto her tiptoes to press a soft kiss to his nose. "I'll pick up the kids from Dad's and Molly's and I guess…" she made a dramatic roll with her eyes, "I'll start tidying up, you've wriggled out of it, mister."

"Uhm, you can wait for me with cleaning."

"The house looks like warzone, dirty dishes, lots of trash… I need to take care for that before I let the animals on the rampage."

"You mean the kids or the kitten and the puppy?" chuckled Derek.

"Both," she snorted.

"Speaking of warzone," began Derek cautiously. "I know something else that resembles one…"

Her eyes involuntarily swept over her office. It seemed to have somehow shrunk magically over the three years. Her trials demanded a lot of paperwork and documentation. The closet that was installed soon ceased to make any difference and now a lot of files were stocked in carton boxes.

"Why do I get the feeling that we're going back to the subject I assumed was closed?" she asked with a sigh.

"Because you'd be much more comfortable in the new office," he argued seriously. "There's more space, more light."

"But I don't want to change offices," she insisted putting her hands on her hips. "I like my office. It's… cozy, and I'm always close to you," she grinned putting her arms around his neck. "I don't need a new office."

"That's why you're using mine when all those foreign guests come to see you?" he lifted his eyebrows expectantly.

"I don't receive guests every day," she shrugged. "Now… what is the adjective you use most often to describe me?"

"Beautiful?" he sent her a dreamy smile. "Sexy?"

"Unfortunately not," she scrunched her nose. "You say I'm feisty and stubborn so I really don't think there's any point in bringing this ever again. I'll see you at home."

She gave him a teasing kiss and hurried down the corridor of their department.

Derek folded his arms across his chest and leaned against the doorframe with a sigh. He studied her office reluctantly. He was the one to choose it for her. Back then it was convenient. There weren't any other spaces available, Meredith didn't have such a strong medical renown, and the office assured the much needed proximity when he tried to win her back.

However, things changed over the last three years, every of the mentioned factors did. Meredith was his and it was never going to change, ever. She was also a medical celebrity, whose legend seemed to rival that of her mother and certainly outpaced his. And a few months ago, Richard made a surprise for her, a shiny new office with everything one could dream of. Seattle Grace was back in the saddle and her input in the progress was outstanding. A new comfy place to work was the least Grace could offer her in return, apart from the pay rise of course. It was also a screaming necessity regarding the guests from all over the world coming to review her work, meet her in person, have an interview…

But, Meredith blatantly refused to move. She said she was good in her old office and Derek knew well enough why. If they weren't in the OR or with their patients, they worked a few steps apart and didn't it come in handy. They could talk any time, discuss who was to take children from daycare or go shopping, and of course… they could make other uses of their offices that the Chief probably shouldn't ever know.

Derek had thought it was a perfect situation until… one day a worry crept up into his mind and never left, a feeling of guilt he never admitted to his wife. It came out of a sudden, after reading one of Meredith's publications. She was called "the hope of modern neurology" in the article. And then he glanced at her cramped office… and felt as old as never before. He felt as if he was tying her down, as if she was stuck with him at Seattle Grace. She had no perspectives for her career, he was blocking her. To put it bluntly, he knocked her up, married her and then made her another child. If it hadn't been for him, she could have been a department head a long time ago, now maybe even higher on the career ladder. These musings made him feel guilty all over again, this time towards his children. Mike and Bessie were his most precious treasures, he never regretted having them. So, he usually stifled those feelings altogether, trying to be the best husband and father he could.

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Meredith hurtled through the lobby chuckling to herself thinking how much damage the houses of her father and her sister could have sustained thanks to her sugar-high children. She felt warm around her heart, she definitely needed to talk to Derek tonight. Maybe he'd stop grumbling about irrelevant things if they engaged in making babies.

She was broken out of her pregnant reverie by a sight that struck her as strange. Izzie was walking a couple of meters before her in the lobby. She looked like she was taking to someone, looking sideways and nodding her head but… no one was walking beside her. Meredith frowned for an instant but then shrugged. Maybe she was talking on the phone with an earpiece? You could see people using hands free sets all the time, looking like they were talking to themselves.

She stared too long and didn't see Bailey walking straight into her carrying a stack of charts.

"Watch it, Shepherd!" grumbled Miranda as the charts scattered around.

"Sorry!" Meredith bit her lip and bent to help her to pick everything up. She glanced at her colleague and was surprised to notice hardly perceptible red rings under her eyes.

"Is… everything alright, Dr. Bailey?" she asked carefully.

"Great," Miranda straightened and put her load on the counter. "Except from the part when my husband threatens to leave me if I spend more hours at the hospital doing another specialty."

"Oh, it can't be that bad, right?" frowned Meredith standing beside her. "You were good together yesterday at the party."

"Yeah, for about that 40 minutes we came for," sighed Bailey.

"You'll work it out," said Meredith reassuringly with a small smile. "You always do, you're Dr. Bailey."

Bailey narrowed her eyes at her, "That dreamy husband of yours has rubbed off on you too much."

Meredith let out a small laugh. "Seriously, if I can be happy both with my job and my personal life, you'll know how to do it too."

"And how do you do it?" asked Bailey pensively. "Whichever choice I might take feels like a sacrifice."

Meredith breathed deeply, "Then… you have to think what is going to make you sacrifice less… and it will stop to feel like a sacrifice over time."

Miranda gave her a long look and shook her head, "When did you became such a smartass?"

"I'm no smartass," grinned Meredith. "I never thought I'd be the one to say it but talking through your problems is the best way. Sometimes, I think I talk more than Derek now."

"I've got to talk with Tucker for more than five minutes without a fight…" sighed Miranda.

"Either that or…" Meredith's grinned turned mischievous.

"Don't finish that," Miranda lifted her eyes to the ceiling and grabbed her charts to hurry away.

Meredith giggled slightly and yelp when she remembered she should be on her way to Molly's.

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"What are you two plotting about, huh?" asked Meredith opening the door and letting her offspring into the house.

"Nothing, Mommy!" giggled Bessie. "Mikey can't choose the name for the puppy!"

"You didn't name him yet?" Meredith put her briefcase down ruffling her son's black locks. "We have to find some nice name to teach him. We'll think about it together and you'll pick what you like best, ok, Sweetie?"

" 'Kay, Mommy," nodded Michael and trotted after the sniffing puppy.

"Just watch where you're going," Meredith called after her children. "There's mess everywhere. I'm going to clean it up in a sec!"

She sighed, and thought what she should do first.

"Bess, don't let your brother alone, okay?"

She walked down to the laundry room and selected the clothes of similar colors to wash.

"Lucy, go away," she turned the grayish kitten away. "Look for Bessie, go."

_Where the hell are Derek's instructions?_She scratched her head looking for the little paper on which her thoughtful husband scribbled how to turn on the washing machine; another task beside cooking that still caused problems for her. She closed the door to the machine and pressed two buttons biting on her bottom lip in concentration. She smiled with relief when it set off smoothly.

She then collected all the dirty plates, cups and glasses and loaded them into the dishwasher. She dusted the furniture and started the vacuum cleaner. Pushing the coach, she swept the floor, spotting a piece of paper peeking out. Before she lowered herself to pick it up, Bessie ran to the room with a concerned face.

"Mommy! I can't find Lucy anywhere!"

"I'm sure she's somewhere here," Meredith said soothingly.

"But Mommy, I looked everywhere!" she exclaimed with a tiny voice.

"Lucy is a cat, Bess," explained Meredith. "She likes to walk her own ways. You'll see she's going to pop out soon from around some corner. She's somewhere in the house, I saw her in the laundry room ."

Bessie sighed dramatically, "But I want her now!"

"Love, Lucy is not your possession," Meredith went on patiently. "You have to accept what she likes. She's your friend, right?"

"I guess," nodded reluctantly Bessie.

"Good girl, go back to Mikey in the meantime. You can play with him and our unnamed dog."

"Wow!" Bessie's eyes went wide. "I just thought! He's the dog who must not be named!"

"Bessie," Meredith said in a warning.

"Mommy, please!" Bessie battled her eyelids innocently rocking from side to side. "Everyone in the daycare knows Harry Potter!"

"I'm sure not everyone," said Meredith. "What I told about going back to your brother?"

"I'm going," grumbled Bessie recognizing her defeat.

Meredith sighed and shoved the coach back into its usual place. She and Derek read first three Harry Potter books to Bessie and Meredith refused to let her daughter know the remaining four. They discussed it with Derek on numerous occasions, the topic resurfacing every now and then due to Bessie's constant pestering. But Meredith was adamant, starting from the Goblet of Fire the books went darker and darker. Bessie was too young for that.

Five minutes later, Bessie was back at her heels, this time dragging Mikey with her.

"Mommy!"

"Yes, Sweetie?" asked Meredith opening the dishwasher.

"Is that true that dogs can find people who can't be finded?" she shot eagerly.

"If they're trained, yes, I think so."

"You think dogs could find a cat?" inquired Bessie.

"Honey, I told you Lucy will come back," said Meredith.

"But the dog who must not be named stopped at the door to the laundry, Mom! Lucy can be there!"

"Okay, we'll check. I might have locked her inside," acquiesced Meredith and set off, her children following closely behind. She opened the door and the spotted puppy quickly ran inside the room sniffing the floor.

"Look for Lucy, doggie!" ordered Bessie hopefully. "Look for Lucy!"

Meredith walked around the room carefully looking in every nook. Truth to be told, there weren't many to check.

"I don't think Lucy's here, Sweetie," said Meredith crouching beside her children. "The pup's too young to-"

"Look, Mommy!" Mikey pointed at the dog who was screeching at the working washing machine.

"Mommy, what if Lucy's here?" Bessie yelled with distress.

"She can't be here…" Meredith shook her head. The thought was ridiculous. Yet… Meredith gulped heavily. The kitten was in the room when she put their dirty clothes inside. What if… what if…

"Oh, crap!" she muttered and pressed the pause button on the machine praying life wasn't that cruel.

She opened the door, the content of the machine spilling on her feet with bubbling water.

"Stay away, Sweetie," warned Meredith, looking through the soaked items of clothing, her face mask of concentration. And then… her eyes fished out a furry rug…

"Oh, my God…" muttered weakly Meredith sinking to her knees. She picked up the kitten, her tail and paws hanging inertly down.

"Mommy!" Bessie wailed on top of her lungs. "Lucy's not moving! Why isn't she moving?!"

Meredith stared blankly at the little animal on her lap… Lucy was all cold, and she couldn't detect the pulse…

"Mommy, what's wrong with Lucy?" yelled Bessie, tears springing to her eyes. "What's wrong?"

Meredith's heart constricted, it looked like she had washed her daughter's kitten to death…

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"I don't know what I'm doing wrong, man," grumbled Mark getting out of his car he parked right after Derek's. "What's so wrong that I'm doing that she doesn't want to move forward with me?"

"You think Meredith's gonna tell you? Just like that?" Derek snorted disbelievingly leading him into the house.

"She's Lexie's sister for the love of God," answered Mark. "I bet they tell each other girly stuff; like comparing penis sizes or sex positions."

"Ah, and that equals relationship advice," chuckled Derek coming in. "Mer, I'm home! Mark's staying for dinner!"

They were met with silence.

"Strange," remarked Mark. "The midgets are always running to the door."

They halted in the middle of the hall listening for any sound when they heard muffled crying.

"Oh, God," muttered Derek, his face blanching. He speeded down the steps with Mark, anxiety taking over his body.

He pushed the door to the laundry wide open and stood rooted to the spot taking in the curious sight. His wife and daughter were crying wildly while his son observing them with interest. Fortunately, they seemed safe and sound.

"Looks like the kitten snuffed it," threw in Mark with a wince.

Meredith only cried harder while Derek scowled at his friend and quickly stepped to his wife's kneeled form.

"Meredith, what happened?" he asked stroking he wet cheek with his thumb eyeing the listless cat in her hands.

"Daddy! Lucy's not moving!" screamed Bessie.

"Mark, can you?" Derek asked quietly pointing at his kids.

"Yeah, sure," he nodded, scooped Mike up in his arms and led heartbroken Bess out of the room. "Come on, you're gonna play with Uncle Mark now."

"Lucy!" yelled Bessie trying to wrench her hand out of his.

"Mommy and Daddy are gonna take care of her," he assured calmly and closed the door behind them.

"Meredith, what is going on?" asked Derek scanning the room. "What happened to Lucy?"

"I…" she choked between violent sobs. "I… washed her…"

"You… washed her?" repeated slowly Derek and then it hit him, the open washing machine, their wet clothes strewn over the floor. "Like… in the washing machine?"

"It was an accident!" she cried leaning into his chest. "I didn't see when she got in! God, I killed my daughter's pet!"

"Shhh, Mer, calm down," he said. The situation would be comical if the kitten hadn't ended up dead, the kitten that Bessie absolutely adored.

He gingerly took Lucy from Meredith's hand, examining the tiny cold body.

"Mer," he said quickly. "I think she's still alive."

"What?" she breathed out, her eyes lighting up with hope.

"She has a pulse, weak, but it's there," he muttered lifting one eyelid gingerly. "She's in hypothermia."

"Oh, God, we have to go the clinic," Meredith got to her feet in the speed of lighting and taking a dry towel. "I'll never forgive myself-"

"She'll be fine," Derek cut her across and helped her wrap around the ice-cold kitten. "Keep her close to you, I'll drive."

"Mark, you'll stay with them, okay?" threw hurriedly Derek when the emerged in the hall. "We're taking Lucy to the vet."

"Sure," nodded Mark. "The kitty's still breathing? Guys, you should have your own reality show," he chuckled. "The crazy sex and now the freak animal accidents, it would be a hit."

**********************************************************************************

Derek and Meredith who was clutching Lucy tightly to her chest, entered the veterinary clinic in a hurry. Derek only hoped breaking the speed limits on the way would pay off.

They ran up to the woman sitting behind the counter in the reception area and Meredith blurted out, "Good evening, we had an accident, I mean, our cat had an accident-"

"We usually go to Dr. Powell," added helpfully Derek before his wife's rambling exploded.

"Oh, I'm sorry," said the woman. "You haven't been notified? Dr. Powell moved from Seattle two weeks ago. All his patients were transferred to the new co owner."

"Is he in today?"

"Yeah, yeah," she nodded. "But he's with patient right now, if you-"

"It's an emergency!" exclaimed Meredith feverishly. "Our cat's hypothermic!"

"Please," asked Derek with an apologetic smile. "It's our daughter's pet."

"Okay," she gave up. "Wait here, okay? I'll take the cat up."

"It's a two month molly, vaccinated," hurried Meredith.

"And what happened to her?"

"I… I…" stammered Meredith embarrassedly.

"She got washed in the washing machine," finished Derek.

"By accident!" hissed Meredith.

"Right," nodded the woman raising her eyebrows and walking off to one of the rooms.

"You didn't have to tell her that!" Meredith grumbled folding her arms across her chest. She just noticed other people waiting for a visit with their animal friends, all were eyeing her surreptitiously.

Derek planted his arm around her waist and led her towards the chairs.

"Now I look like an animal abuser!" she hissed. "They could jail me for that!"

"Meredith, don't exaggerate," he said gently. "You know I had to tell what really happened. Think like a doctor."

She rested her head on his shoulder with a sigh. "Right now I'm thinking like a mother," she whispered. "She was absolutely crushed. What if Lucy dies? Bess doesn't understand what it means to die."

"Then we'll explain her," he said pressing a kiss to her head.

"She's just five-years-old," argued Meredith.

"But she's growing, she's a smart girl," replied soothingly Derek.

"It feels like we're going back to the Harry Potter argument," she sighed. "Bess has already nagged me about it today."

Derek didn't have the time to argue as the room in which disappeared their pet opened, a man with a dog left and seconds after him the receptionist, waving a hand at them.

"You can come in," she ushered them. "Your kitten's being taken care of right now. You have a chart here, right? Your name is?"

"Shepherd," threw Derek and followed Meredith into the room, accidentally bumping into her as she stopped abruptly. And then he heard one of the most hated names in the world.

"Finn!" exclaimed Meredith.

True, the man lifted his blond and looked at them, _at Meredith_, with wide eyes.

"Meredith," his eyes flicked behind her, "Derek."

"Er, hi," breathed out Meredith.

"Hi…" he stared at her for a minute. "Uhm, is this… your cat?" he asked with apparent astonishment.

"Er, yeah, that's Lucy, is she gonna be alright?"

Finn directed his attention back towards his patient.

"I had to apply the active internal rewarming," explained Finn. "But she's stable now-"

"Circulation of heated fluids?" asked Derek dryly folding his arms.

"Yeah, and intravenous injection," nodded Finn. "How much time was she in the water?"

"Uhm, about… about half of the programmed time," she muttered quietly. "Some forty minutes."

Finn chuckled, "And you… washed her…?"

"I swear it was an accident!" Meredith wrung her fingers.

"Only you, Meredith," Finn shook his head and laughed but was immediately sobered by the hostile expression on Derek's face.

"So, you're…" he looked at them curiously.

"Married," provided quickly Derek, placing an arm around her shoulder. "Three years in November."

"Oh, really?" asked Finn, his eyebrows raised. "Congratulations."

They would probably fall into a huge awkward silence if the receptionist hadn't knocked on the door.

"Mr. Shepherd? Could I ask you to sign some forms?"

He looked reluctantly at Meredith, his jaw set. He was clearly leading some internal struggle, unwilling to leave his wife with her ex.

"Go," she patted his arm. "I'll stay with Lucy."

"Sorry… for that," Meredith looked at Finn apologetically after his departure. "He's just…"

"As jealous about you as ever?" he chuckled. "It's okay. So, I guess I'd been wrong," he trailed off quietly, not looking at her and busying himself with examining the cat.

"Wrong?" frowned Meredith.

"Honestly, I didn't think you two would make it," he muttered.

"Oh," she remembered the last words she exchanged with Finn after she ended things with him. "Uhm, you were right."

He looked up at her again with a frown.

"He did hurt me, and then I hurt him," she sighed. "We kept hurting each other until we stopped and decided to make each other happy. And now we are," she smiled softly. "And… how have you been?"

"Good," he answered with a little shrug of his shoulders. "I've concentrated mostly on my job-"

The door opened widely again and Derek strolled in with a scowl.

"Everything's okay?" asked Meredith.

"Absolutely," he replied shortly.

Finn cleared his throat uncomfortably, "So, it looks like your kitten is going to be okay but I'll need to keep her overnight."

"Is that really necessary?" asked promptly Derek.

"Derek!" Meredith elbowed him in the ribs. "I think it's necessary if Finn says so."

"Don't get me wrong," he smirked. "It's not really our kitten, it's more like our daughter's kitten. She's really attached to her pet and now she's probably worried sick."

"I see," Finn cast his eyes down. "I'm sorry, I just want to make sure that Lucy's okay. You'll be able to pick her up tomorrow."

"Thanks for your help, Finn," said quickly Meredith. "We'll be here tomorrow."

"Yeah, we'll stop by with our kids on our way from the hospital," added smugly Derek before his wife dragged him out rolling her eyes.

**********************************************************************************

"It was a crazy day," sighed Meredith with a tired smile, slipping into bed next to Derek later that night. She rested her head on his chest, directly over his heart. That was when she felt the safest in the world.

"Yeah," he chuckled. Meredith managed to talk him out of the grumbling mood after the unexpected meeting with Finn, and the vet was currently out of his mind. "And we can't ever blame the craziness on the kids this time."

"Mhm, I want more," she whispered warmly breathing him in.

"More what, craziness?" he quipped.

"Nope, genius. I meant kids, I want to have another child," she smiled into the dark.

With her head practically on his lungs, she could recognize a change in his respiration. His breath hitched and then he slowly released the air, though his heart beat faster.

"You… since when?" he asked quietly.

Meredith frowned slightly, her fingers gently fisting on his tee. This was not the reaction she anticipated. She expected him to be happy; he was the family man.

"I've been thinking about it for the last few weeks," said cautiously Meredith. "More so the last few days and I've thought it's a good time.

"Are… are you sure?" he breathed.

"Yes, of course I'm sure. I want to be pregnant again. Don't you?"

"I…" he trailed off.

She sat up suddenly. "Look, if you don't want more of my crappy babies just say so. You don't have to rack your brains for lame excuses-"

"Meredith," he cupped her face with his palms. "I want your babies, all of them. I love our children more than anything, you know that. And if you're sure you want more, I do too."

"You do?" she relaxed snuggling back against him.

"Of course, he sighed. "I love you."

"I love you too," she mumbled into his neck, her hand wandering lazily down his chest.

"You know, it's hot. I'll go get myself a glass of water," he said getting up from the bed. "Be right back."

" 'Kay," she yawned and sank into the pillow peacefully, not even realizing that the last time she announced to him that she wanted to have a baby again, he was eager to take her on the desk in his office, whereas now he swiftly left the intimate confines of their marital bedroom.

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**As always, I'm looking forward to hearing from you. Your feedback can help me make this story better, so I'm open to all suggestions and constructive criticism.**

**Have a nice weekend!**

**Em**

**P.S. I've just realized, the next chapter will probably be posted after the season premiere… Yay! **

**P.S. 2 In response to one of your questions, don't worry, Meredith isn't going to suffer from Alzhaimer's or any serious medical condition. She just forgot about the letter because she had more pressing matters on her mind.**


	3. Chptr 3: Banished To The Back Of My Mind

**A/N I'm starting once again with huge thank you to all who read and review! Your support means more than you can imagine. Hope you enjoy!**

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Cristina discreetly peeked through the glass door to Meredith's office and saw her friend working at her desk. She took a deep breath, paced around with intention of reducing the tension in her body and knocked.

"Come in, please," Meredith's voice rang from inside.

She cautiously went in cursing herself inwardly. Suddenly, she didn't know why she decided to give in to Owen's arguments and pleas. Wait, because she wanted that too and felt almost ready? At that very moment, she didn't, at all.

"Cristina," said Meredith looking up from her paperwork. "You never knock."

Shit, Meredith wasn't stupid, she immediately knew something was odd with her. It was better to distract her…

"I was just careful in case you wanted to pack me into the washing machine," she smirked.

Meredith dropped her pen on the desk with a loud thud, "What did you say?"

Cristina wiggled her eyebrows wickedly slumping into a chair. "You heard me."

"How did you know?" groaned Meredith propping her head on her hand.

"From Izzie," shrugged her person, "and anticipating your further questions, Izzie heard it from Ned, Ned from Nurse Debbie and she knows it from Sloan."

"And right now another crazy Shepherd story is making the tour around the hospital…" finished for her Meredith.

"I actually didn't believe in that, Mer," chuckled Cristina and burst out laughing. "I can't believe you washed a cat… automatically!"

"Shut up," silenced her Meredith. "Or… I won't tell you what was next."

"I know what was next," shrugged Cristina. "You left the cat at the vet and it miraculously survived."

"If you're not interested…" Meredith made a smug face picking the cardio surgeon's curiosity.

"Do tell," she implored. "I'll spread the word the catwash was Derek's doing."

"Deal," grinned Meredith. "So me and Derek, we took Lucy to the vet and… it was… Finn."

"Cut the shit!" Cristina opened her mouth abruptly and her chewing gum almost fell out. "You're kidding me right? You and Derek went to Finn?"

"Yeah, the clinic changed its owner. We didn't knew it was him," Meredith rolled her eyes.

Cristina laughed freely, "What that possessive husband of yours did seeing the McVet back in his life? Challenged him to a duel?"

"He went on that she's-my-woman-and-don't-pee-on-my-territory mode," she giggled. "But he's fine."

"There's something else," Cristina squinted her eyes at her.

"So I talked to Derek last night," Meredith bit her lip.

"And I guess that conversation out of many you have with you brainy hubby changed the fate of humanity?" smirked Cristina.

"Yup, we've decided on expanding the said humanity," Meredith grinned widely.

"You're saying?" asked Cristina sobering up, all the crankiness gone from her voice.

"We're going to work on getting me barefoot and pregnant again," grinned Meredith.

"Oh, congratulations," smiled Cristina biting on her lip gently.

"Uhm, no snarky comments?" Meredith cocked her head, narrowing her eyes. "No more saying that I'm a human incubator for McFetuses?"

"No, you want to spread love all around and create a new life," rambled Cristina. "It's fine, it's good."

"Are you feeling all right?" Meredith studied her best friend suspiciously. "Because you seem not alright."

"I'm good," Cristina raised her hands and jumped up. "Never better, gotta go now. We'll talk later."

"Cristina…?" asked after her Meredith but she was already out. She saw her husband standing over a chart in the lobby and gently tapped at his shoulder.

"Owen," she smiled at him softly. "Let's do this."

His lips opened in a slightly crooked smile, but it was several seconds later he managed to say. "Let's do this."

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Meredith checked up on her last patient that day, gave some last-minute instructions to her intern and went in search for her husband, her mind already occupied with her family's affairs. She entered Derek's office with a soft knock and smiled at his strung form, watching scans in the light of the lamp.

"Hey, are you done?" she asked coming inside to stand beside him, her hands instantly going to his back. "I just need to change and we can grab the kids to pick up Lucy."

"Actually, something came up," said Derek slowly.

"Oh," Meredith leaned over his shoulder to study the scan. "I can go with Bess and Mikey while you stay up for the case and we'll see each other at home. Good thing we drove separately again."

"Or maybe you can take the case while I'll go with the kids," he offered innocently leaning the test results in her direction.

Meredith raised her eyebrows quizzically; Derek never willingly gave her any patients to stay behind for.

Right now, he'd prefer her to work than… go to Finn. Yeah, now everything was clear.

"It's about Finn, right?" she folded her arms over her chest. "I thought you were over that."

"Over what?" he asked dismissively, his body going defensive.

"I'm your wife Derek," Meredith calmly went on. "Finn is not going to throw himself at me just when I pass the doorstep."

"Fine, go yourself," replied Derek crossly, "if you're so set on it." He didn't mean to be so harsh but the thoughts of Meredith and Finn always brought the worst in him. The vet was the one man who came the closest of replacing him in her life. But it ran even deeper than that. In Derek's mind, Finn stack as the better guy, the guy with plans who would never hurt Meredith.

"What does that suppose to mean?" she asked frowning.

"I'm sorry," he said avoiding her gaze. "It's just… not very comfortable to know that he…"

"He what?" she inquired when Derek paused in his words.

"I keep seeing… him touching you…" he muttered clenching his teeth, "and…"

"Derek Shepherd!" she yelled. "You are unbelievable!" She was now seething with anger, but more so she was hurt. She felt just like that when he called her a whore, or rather implied it, all those years ago.

"Fine, I'll take that case," she spat snatching the files from his hand, "to minimize the risk of me screwing him behind your back! But for your information, I've never slept with Finn!"

He breathed deeply; this was going to be a major row but he suddenly felt light. "I'm sorry but I just… I saw you… in his clothes…" That sight had haunted him for a long time.

"We were delivering a foal," she gritted dryly. "My clothes were all dirty so I took a shower."

"Oh," he breath out.

"Are you relieved now?" she jeered. "Go and celebrate, Derek Shepherd. There's another man in Seattle who didn't fuck your whore of a wife!"

"Meredith!" he tried to stop her but she already stormed out of his office. The pained look on her face made him realize how much his childish moody behavior hurt her. Meredith was always sensitive about her past since the arrival of their children into this world, even if she put it behind her. And now he raked the wounds open.

"By the way," Meredith halted in the doorway brining a up an index finger as though she just remembered something. "If we're going through memories, it sure felt very comfortable for me to watch you with your wife, right? And even more so when you answered my call while having sex with her?"

He swallowed heavily. Only once during the period of their marriage did they quarrel making reproaches going as far back as the moment of Addison's very unexpected arrival at Grace. He spent a week on the couch as a result.

"And when we're at it," she went on, her eyes flashing. "Your girlfriend nurse? I see her every other day at the hospital, sometimes in my OR, or your even your OR. Have you ever heard me bitch about that? No, it doesn't bother me because I trust you. And I'm not a pain in the ass!"

She whirled on her heel and then she was gone.

**********************************************************************************

Derek was cutting up vegetables for dinner, glancing at his children playing in the living room every now and then, to make sure they didn't destroy the house. Meredith didn't come back from the hospital yet and he racked his brains how to tackle their not so little misunderstanding. It was really not in his intention to hurt her in any way or bring up the past, certainly he didn't imply she was a whore. He was just… plain jealous, that's all. Finn Dandridge being around the love of his life provoked hatred of the worst kind, making Derek act like an asshole, especially towards the one person who was the most innocent.

After the argument with Meredith, he was reduced to collect the kids from daycare and drive to the clinic. He took Mike and Bessie by the hand and went in search of Lucy, when he was greeted by Finn. He didn't gloat as it would be expected, as he expected himself; Meredith put him in his place efficiently. He could tell Finn was surprised at the level of his civility. The latter complimented on the two wonderful kids, Derek thanked him for taking care of Lucy and they parted in peace.

And now he was sitting on pins and needles, waiting impatiently for his wife's return. Overwhelmed by his musings, he jumped up with a start when the phone started to ring. He wiped his hands on his apron and walked up to the opposite corner of the spacious kitchen to answer.

"Derek Shepherd," he said tiredly.

"Derek Christopher Shepherd!" Ah, his mother, just the person he wanted to be grilled by when he was at serious odds with his wife, whom, by the way, his mother adored. He didn't like the warning note in Carolyn's voice. Did she already talk to Meredith? "How much time do I have to wait for one of my children call me with the details of my grandson's birthday party?"

"Oh," he breathed out. They completely forgot about that, he realized with shame. "Sorry, Ma. We've been… busy."

"I know, you're always busy, Sweetie," she berated him.

"Seriously, Ma," he tried to explain himself. "We were to call you yesterday but we had a sort of an accident."

"What accident? Derek! Tell me right away, do you hear me?" she ordered, her voice worried.

"Calm down, Mom. Everyone is safe and sound. Only Bessie's kitten experienced a rollercoaster ride in the washing machine."

"Oh my… uhm," muttered Carolyn.

Derek almost chuckled, he knew his mother was on the brink of bursting in laughter.

"Don't worry," he assured quickly. "Lucy's alive, like new."

"The next generation is clearly outdoing yours, Derbear," she said humorously. "You and Mark stopped at frogs in the microwave."

"It was not exactly the kids' work. The kitten jumped inside when Meredith was working out how to turn on the machine," he explained, a note of weariness sneaking involuntarily into his voice.

His mother seemed to detect momentarily the change in his voice. "Speaking of Meredith, is she at home? And Mike and Bessie?"

"She's still at work," he replied shortly.

"At work?" she repeated slowly. "What are you not telling me, son?"

"Uhm, we've decided on having another child," he provided quickly hoping that his mother's enthusiasm would overshadow everything else.

"That's wonderful!" exclaimed Carolyn. "About time! But what else, dear?"

"What… else?"

"I know you, Derek," she said lightly. "Plus, you're a bad liar."

"We've had a little blow-out," he admitted.

"A little?"

"Fine, it was a big blazing row and we might have thrown her ex-boyfriend and my ex-wife into the mix."

"It's not the end of the world," said Carolyn gently. "Best couples, and you certainly are one, have those; it clears the air. The most important is to talk everything out afterwards. But you both know that."

"I know… I know it's… sometimes I feel so confused," he confessed pinching the bridge of his nose.

"Sweetheart, what's going on?" prompted Carolyn.

"Meredith said she wants another baby."

"And you don't?" she asked cautiously.

"Of course I do… I… I do," he assured quickly.

"Then where lies the problem?"

"Ma, her career is blossoming. She has great ideas, great solutions, she pushes for new things. Pregnancy will slow her down."

"Does she have these qualms?"

"No, but what if she will? I don't want her to resent me-"

"Derek, please, think like the loving husband you are, not her former teacher," admonished Carolyn. "I realize Meredith is an incredibly successful doctor but she's a mother and wife first. Family comes first. Trust your wife, okay? And try to talk to her, work it out. I won't get the new grandchild if you two aren't speaking."

"I'll do my best, Ma," he sighed.

"Call me when the storm is over," she pleaded. "Or tell Meredith to call me, I want to hear about Mike's party."

Soon after they hung up and Derek went back to the task of preparing the dinner, Meredith's car rolled into the driveway beside the silver SUV Derek had driven with the children. He observed her face through the kitchen window. It was indifferent, no emotion. He heard her open the door and take off her shoes.

"Hey, dinner's up in ten minutes," he said casually leaning against the doorframe to the hall.

Meredith completely ignored him as he was empty space and hurried into the living room.

"Bessie, Mikey? Mommy's home!"

They ran up to her momentarily shouting over each other.

"Mommy!"

"We have a name!"

"Mikey made it up!"

"Superdog!"

"Because he rescued Lucy!"

Meredith giggled, "I guess it fits, we have name."

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It didn't look pretty. Derek was painfully aware of that, sitting across the table from Meredith. His thoughts wandered morosely to the couch in the living room. It was great for short naps but not for long lonely nights without the heat of her body. Unfortunately that was what his wife probably foresaw for tonight, instead of baby making sex.

"Love, can you pass me the salad?" he asked, trying to look repentant.

She narrowed her eyes at him before rolling them in her head. He knew she wouldn't blatantly dismiss him in front of the children.

"Of course, honey," she replied with a fake smile plastered across her face. Her hand trembled when she picked up the bowl and for a split second he was afraid she'd give him a vegetable shower "by accident". She only smirked before her attention was drawn by something else.

"Michael Derek!" she said sternly. "Is that your food you're throwing under the table?"

"No, uhm-uhm," he shook his head frantically.

"I'm pretty sure that was the carrot from your plate."

"Super's food!" he argued. "Super hungry!"

"Sweetie, Super has his own food," informed him Meredith and pointed under the table where the puppy was eyeing the soggy carrot warily. "Look, he doesn't even like it. Daddy will give him his own dinner later. You can feed Super with Daddy."

For the reminder of the evening, Meredith didn't say word to her husband that wasn't forced by his many attempts. His hopes of talking to her or rather apologizing to her after they tucked the kids to bed were once quashed as she swiftly retreated to the bathroom adjoining to their bedroom, locking the door behind her, which she never did.

He decided to take a quick shower downstairs and when he was back she still didn't come out. He paced up and down wondering if it was too bold or presumptuous to sit on the bed waiting for her.

Finally, he heard the click of the lock and she stepped out making his jaw open in shock and his cock swell instantaneously in his boxers. She was wearing a completely see-through black nightie he hadn't seen on her before, without any panties, leaving absolutely nothing to imagination. Maybe she wanted to make up? She walked past him eyeing his groin with a snort and disappeared under the covers. Maybe not… If she wanted to torture him, she certainly succeeded. He stared intently at her covered form.

"What?" she snapped glaring at him. "Never seen a whore in your bed? I assure you there's one sleeping here every night."

For an instant, he remained speechless while his balls tightened dangerously. The way the black lace exposed her pert nipples was deeply imprinted on his brain. He shook off from his stupor. If he didn't act right, he would suffer from an aching problem between his legs all night. He silently cursed his sisters in his mind, it was them who gave her tips hot to "manage a husband". He walked around to his side of the bed and sat beside her lying body, after a moment of hesitation gently placing a hand on her back and trailing his fingers between the strands of her hair.

"Meredith," he sighed. "Listen to me, please. I'm sorry I hurt you, I am. But I swear I wasn't trying to insinuate anything or judge you. I was just unreasonably jealous, that's all. Husbands do idiotic things like that all the time."

He waited in tension and was relieved to hear a sigh muffled by the pillow, "I do know that."

She rolled abruptly to face him. "But you're not thrilled with the idea of having a baby. Don't you think I haven't noticed anything."

"Mer," he lied down beside her, propping himself on the elbow.

"I'd be thrilled to have a whole soccer team with you," he smiled lightly. "But you…"

"What me?"

"You're on a professional roll," he said simply. "I don't want to force you back on the maternity leave."

"Derek," she looked him straight in the eye. "What part of _I want a baby_ don't you understand?"

"I understand what it means to be a surgeon," he countered. "I don't want you lose any opportunities… and resent me later."

"Derek," she stated dead-serious. "Please, don't make my mother out of me."

He chuckled quickly. "Okay."

"Okay," she breathed out."Was that the only reason for your unreasonable behavior? Just, please, tell me and we'll go from there, okay? Because I need to know if you want another baby with me or you don't, I need to know that. I need you to tell me because sometimes I can't read you."

He cradled her face between his palms, banishing his own fears as he met her uncertain regard. "I do want another amazing child with you."

Meredith nodded letting out a sigh of relief and she pushed the cover from her body with a small smile.

"I love you," he whispered leaning to hover over her.

"I love you too," she replied as she welcomed him naturally between her legs. "Now… make up sex."

"Are you off the pill?" he muttered against her clavicle, his hand caressing her breast through the almost non-existent material.

"Yeah, I didn't take it today. You know it doesn't necessarily work that fast."

"But we can practice…"

"Practice is good," she agreed breathlessly struggling to drag his boxers off with her feet. Her husband had exceptionally stupid ideas sometimes but it didn't lessen her love for him, the great overpowering love she wouldn't be able to breathe without.

As he sank his length into her tight warmth every thought was gone from his mind, replaced with the driving need to make her carry his child in her womb again.

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**A/N So, they did talk a bit but… well, you'll see what**** I have in store for them. The mysterious letter resurfaces in the next chapter.**

**I really hope you like it so far. Please, let me know if it seems boring or anything.**

**Yours,**

**Em**


	4. Chapter 4: Do What You Have To Do

**A/N Yes, it's actually an update! So so sorry for keeping you without any news from me; I've been really busy and concentrated on updating my other fic, which is much more advanced than this. **

**Thank you for all your comments, I hope you enjoy this update! We, and Meredith, finally get to know what's in the letter…**

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It was a crazy morning at Shepherds' household. There were actually two types of Shepherd mornings. Some days, everything worked like magic. The four of them would get up on time, have a cheerful breakfast and set off with a decent time reserve. But on others, their house in the wilderness strangely resembled a circus for a reason. Like, for example, the alarm clock would ring too late, Derek would block the bathroom for too long fixing his hair, Mikey decide he'd do much better without clothes or Bessie ask awkward questions about something she picked from Cristina. One thing adding to another, and they would all be running late and bustling around for lost backpacks, briefcases or car keys. Today certainly belonged to the latter category.

"Mommy, Mommy!" Mike flashed around her legs. "Can take Super, please?"

"No, Sweetie," she sighed scooping the dirty dishes from their breakfast into the sink. "You cannot take Super to daycare."

"Super my friend!" insisted Mikey tugging at the leg of her pants.

"Yeah, he is but there are rules, no pets at daycare," she said categorically. "That's final."

"Mer, have you seen the keys to the SUV?" Derek felt the pockets of his pants as he reentered the kitchen.

Meredith picked the key ring from the counter and dangled it in front of his eyes with a smile.

"Thanks, what would I do without you?" he grinned and leaned for a kiss.

"Eww!" Bessie scrunched her face standing in the doorway putting on her pink backpack. "We're gonna be so late because of your love fest again!"

Derek pulled back with a groan, "We're seriously reducing the amount of time you're spending with your godmother!" He glanced at his wristwatch. "Shit! We're gonna be so late!" he hissed and whirled around snatching his briefcase and that of his wife. "I'll move the car from the garage. Everyone out!"

"You've heard your Daddy!" Meredith ushered her offspring into the hall.

"Mommy! Super!" exclaimed Mikey crouching to take the puppy into his arms.

"What have I told you, Michael Derek Shepherd?" asked Meredith sternly.

"He's taking Super with us?" pouted Bessie folding her arms. "Then I want to take Lucinda!"

"Neither of you is taking your pet to daycare! Is that understood?"

"Mommy-" Mikey took up again.

"It's not under discussion!"

"But Mommy, Super haves this!" Mikey produced a white envelope, crumpled and wet with the dog's saliva.

Meredith took the envelope with a tiny frown and turned it in her hands to check the sender.

_Centre ____International de__ Recherche et de Développement de la Neurologie, Paris…_

Meredith's eyebrows lifted in surprise. Where the hell did that letter come from ? Well, she knew from where, one of the most prestigious research centers in the world. She went there for a brief visit during her time in Warren's program when they were in France and the trip ultimately cemented her resolve to specialize in neuro. But how did it appear at their house? It was addressed to her… She slapped her forehead in realization; she vaguely remembered a messenger coming in with a letter during Mike's birthday party.

The horn blaring outside brought her back to reality. She hurried Mike and Bessie out, closed the door and buckled them in their car seats before jumping into the car beside Derek and putting the envelope into the briefcase, deciding to learn the contents of the letter at work. The ride to work was the prolongation of family time and family time was sacred.

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Owen and Cristina strolled unhurriedly to the hospital when their face stretched in wide smiles seeing their friends. Bessie and Mikey were racing each other towards the entrance while Meredith and Derek tried to keep up with them shaking their smiling heads at each other.

"You still haven't told her," Owen more stated than asked.

"No, but we've agreed on trying so I don't see the reason for you to complain," Cristina replied lightly.

"Okay," he sighed leniently. "You'd prefer her to learn from someone that might see us going for the appointment?"

"She didn't tell me she got married," she shrugged. "We'd be square."

Her husband threw her a skeptical look, he knew Cristina inside out.

"I'm joking! I'm joking!" she offered quickly. "I just want to do it slow, at my pace, and telling Meredith… makes everything real…"

"And seeing a fertility specialist doesn't?" chuckled Owen. "Or maybe you're just waiting for her to get pregnant first?"

She eyed him as though he grew two heads but her lips stretched in a smirk. Unknowingly to herself, Meredith became a kind of her personal guide in relationship world. Cristina would never admit but she look up to her best friend in that respect. If a former commitment phobe like Meredith Grey could transform into a homecoming queen she could as well.

"Why are you anxious to announce it to the whole world?" Cristina rolled her eyes. "Wanna set up a daddies' club with Derek?"

Owen grinned at the thought. "I just don't see the need to hide it from the whole world."

"Well, I don't see the need to manifest it," she sighed and looked up at him, letting all pretences fall. "Owen, I have only one freaking ovary, you know well enough what it does with our chances. What if we're not… what if we can't…? I don't want to be at the receiving end of sympathetic looks and-"

"Hey, hey!" Owen halted in front of her putting his hands on her arms. "If anything we'll be at that end together but since when do you care what other people say?"

She cast her eyes down shaking her head and slipped her arm around his waist ushering him to resume their walk.

"What if… what if it's a judgment call," she spoke up. "When I was… I didn't want it… Meredith didn't even think for a second she could get rid of the baby Shepherd knocked her up with. I didn't even think for a second to keep it," she admitted quietly.

"No one's going to judge you," Owen kissed her softly on the temple rubbing her arm.

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It was shortly before lunch when Meredith had the opportunity to catch a break. She made herself comfortable in her chair nesting a mug of coffee and maneuvered to put up her feet on the limited free space on her desk. She dug out the envelope from her briefcase, tore it messily and unfolded the letter that was inside. Her eyes hastily jumped over the lines, her excitement growing with every word.

"_Dr. Meredith E. Grey-Shepherd… __we have been following your brilliant work in the field…hold in great esteem…took a special interest in your latest study into the reconstructive capabilities of the neural system… inspired a group of researchers to undertake a new course concerning regeneration of neural cells impaired due to degenerative diseases as well as mechanical damage… obtained considerable funds… am honoured to invite you to participate… your presence feels indispensable… your insight would prove invaluable…"_

Meredith's heart swelled with pride. It was already a couple of months after the frenzy that followed her last trial but she felt just as excited as when she became the centre of attention having published her findings. She lost the count of the number of interviews she had given and visitors from medical intuitions that appeared at Seattle Grace on daily basis to Richard's delight; she received mail from all over the world and calls in the middle of the night. It was a wonderful but also trying time, in which she made absolutely everything so that her career didn't affect her family life.

She read on, coming to the sections explaining the conditions of the planned research she was invited to partake. A little frown creased her forehead. _State-of-the-art equipment at disposition… foundation covering all expenses including the lease of an apartment in the centre of Paris… __**for the period of five months**__ with the possibility of extending…_

The letter signed by Dr. Roger M. Fournier and Dr. Stewart T. Jackson.

Meredith lowered the piece of paper with a sigh. She would spend a good deal of time considering taking part in the project even if she was able to do her share of work from Seattle. They were trying to expand their family; carrying out a trial while pregnant was sure too demanding. Going away from almost half a year was not an option. It pained just to think about leaving her children and husband for so long. The invitation from the institute in Paris was a huge distinction but nothing was more precious than her family. There would be other opportunities to continue her studies. Work would always be there.

Meredith once again studied the letter in search for contact details, she needed to write as politely as possible that she was unable to be a part of the project.

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A hundred sly ideas passed through Ned's head as he stood at the sink, arm to arm with Dr. Webber, giving him furtive looks. He observed his chief for weeks now. He had heard whispers that Richard was about to step down. Many didn't believe the rumors, Webber had already tried to retire a couple of years ago but something told Ned that this time it was the real deal. There was something in the older doctor's regard, a kind of sentimental affection with which he worked these days, with which he looked at his hospital. Ned was sure it was the unmistakable sign he was preparing himself to say goodbye to Seattle Grace, which meant he was looking for a successor.

Ned saw a chance for himself. He was as good candidate as any, or even better than some. He was a head of department; what was more, he was a young head of department. His odds were pretty good. Of course, there were two competitors from the last race, Sloan and Shepherd that still could sting but… they were into something else. All Mark cared about was his girlfriend, all Shepherd cared for was Meredith and their rugrats.

"So, Chief, excellent work down there, as usual," Ned remarked casually.

"Oh, thank you," answered Richard, broken out of his musings suddenly.

"Although, we've been seeing you less and less in the OR lately," Ned continued in an indifferent tone.

"I'm… delegating," sighed Richard but a tiniest of smiles appeared on his lips. "Spending more time with my wife…"

"Chief-" Ned slowly took up.

"Can we have this conversation later?" asked Richard distractedly. "I have an important issue to discuss with Meredith now I'm free from the OR… Debbie, can you tell me if Dr. Shepherd's operating?" he asked a passing nurse. He intended to go check for Meredith in her office but there was always the risk of walking on something he never wished to see.

"Which Dr. Shepherd?" smiled Debbie.

"Meredith," chuckled Richard. Despite the fact that Meredith had her surname hyphenated, everyone called her Shepherd, brining much confusion among the personnel and sometimes even patients.

"Well, I don't know about her but He-Shepherd's operating next door," provided helpfully the nurse.

"Thank you," nodded the Chief. "Dr. Phillips."

Ned threw the used paper towel in the bin with a disgruntled sigh, slightly mad at himself. He should have been more careful. Richard wasn't stupid, he probably saw right through him and used a skillful ploy to diss him. After all, he could recognize the vultures and Ned was definitely one of them.

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"Meredith, could I take you a couple of minutes?" asked Richard standing in the door she had left ajar to assure circulation of air in the cramped space.

"Sure, Chief. Come on in," she nodded trying to put some order in her workplace.

He went in and took a seat across, his eyes resting on the latest photo frame that appeared on the shelf behind her. "Is that a picture from Mike's birthday?"

"Yeah," she glanced at it with a soft smile. "I brought it yesterday."

"You must take the pictures the next time you're dining at ours, Adele will be dying to see them."

"Maybe next week," Meredith answered noncommittally. Dinners with their friends were always enjoyable, not to mention the fact the said friends were used as babysitters from time to time. But she and Derek might be too busy to pay friendly visits, babymaking was time consuming…

"But that's not what I've meant to talk to you about," went on Richard. "I got a call this morning. Guess who it was."

Meredith looked at him expectantly rising her eyebrows.

"Dr. Roger Fournier from the Research Centre in Paris," he answered his own question. "He told me he sent you a written request to participate in the study he's preparing but has received no answer as to this day."

"I'm sorry for the trouble," Meredith scrunched hr face apologetically. "I've just discovered the letter today. I guess… it got lost at some point. Mike's puppy found it somewhere in the house."

"So I can count on you contacting him asap?"

"I already have," nodded Meredith. "I'm sorry, did the Shepherd chaos put you in an awkward position?"

"Nothing more embarrassing than walking into Derek's office while you were otherwise engaged," he grumbled Richard looking up at the ceiling.

"You're never going to give it a rest, are you?" she chuckled.

"No, not as long as I'm the Chief," he sighed. "Coming back to that trial, what answer did you give him?"

"The only one I could," she shrugged. "I thanked him for this wonderful opportunity but I refused."

"He made an impression on me that he's not a man to be confronted," chuckled Richard.

"Chief, I'm really sorry but it's impossible for me to go abroad for whole five month or possibly more," she argued indignantly. "I have a family. We're planning to have another child-"

"Meredith, I didn't come to convince to drop your life and pursue some medical dream," he laughed. "You're doing what is best for you and your family."

"Oh," she muttered. "Richard?" she said quietly, her voice pleading. It wasn't often she called him by his first name despite his encouragement; just like calling Bailey Miranda, it felt weird. "Please, don't tell Derek anything."

"You haven't discussed it with him?" frowned Webber. "Do you even intend to?"

"I can't tell him about the offer… yet. He'd go again at this ridiculous idea that he's slowing down my career."

"Maybe," he acknowledged. "But trust me, hiding important issues like this from your spouse isn't exactly the wisest solution."

"I'm not going to hide anything," she rolled her eyes. "I'm just… going to wait with telling him."

"Sometimes, actually… very often, you're too stubborn for your own good," sighed Richard getting to his feet. "Oh, and a… good luck with the trying for another child."

"Thanks," she smiled wildly.

"And…" he hesitated halting at the door, "don't do it at work."

"Sure thing, Chief," she grinned, keeping two fingers crossed behind her back.

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Meredith read the letter from the Parisian institute one last time and placed it back in the envelope, which in turn she threw in the top drawer of her desk where she kept odds and ends. She had no regrets over turning down the place in the research. Her mother's face drifted suddenly through her thoughts. It was funny how she came to regard her late parent over the years of her marriage to Derek. Sometimes she felt she and Ellis were exactly the same, sometimes that they couldn't be more different. And sometimes, sometimes Meredith stopped in front of the mirror amazed how much she had changed. Or maybe it was in her all the time, the warmth, affection and confidence. Maybe the love she was surrounded with let her be herself at last.

"Meredith?"

She grabbed her briefcase and walked towards the door knowing that Derek was waiting for her. She planted a soft kiss onto his lips and briefly looked up into his baby blue eyes before lacing her fingers with his. As they made small talk, she ignored the little pangs of her conscience. She kept no secrets from Derek and declining a five-month study wasn't a triviality. However, she brushed her guilty musings as she peeked up at his smiling eyes. As she said to Richard, she wasn't withdrawing anything from him, she was just putting off telling him.

"You know," she took up instead. "I think Cristina's avoiding me."

"Are you fighting over something?" he asked letting her into the elevator that took them two floors down.

"No, that's just the thing," she explained. "At least I don't think we are. Has Owen said anything to you?"

"About Cristina acting weird?" chuckled Derek. "No, I think nothing can take him by surprise in that respect."

"Or maybe…" she trailed off. "Maybe I'm overwhelming? Do you think… I've become overwhelming?"

"Overwhelming?" he raised his eyebrows questioningly.

"You know, the happy-housewife-with-a-hubby-and-tons-of-kids-joined-at-the-hip sort of overwhelming?" she wrinkled her nose. "I mean, I told her we'd be having another child and that's when the avoiding started I think."

"Mer, I don't think Owen and Cristina have any troubles," he said sincerely. "But you should just talk to her, I might not be the best person to predict what's going on in her brain."

They entered the daycare together, greeting one of the caretakers, Ms. Allen.

"Dr. Shepherd, and Dr. Shepherd," she smiled. "Good that both of you are here to pick up Bessie and Mike."

"Why? Has something happened?" fired immediately Meredith exchanging worried looks with Derek.

"No! I'm sorry if it sounded like that," the woman quickly calmed them down. "It's just, we've had a little problem today."

"What kind of problem?" asked Derek impatiently.

"With Michael's behavior-"

"It's about the dog, right?" Meredith cut her across. "He wanted to take his puppy we got him for his birthday to daycare."

"No, it's not about his pet," Ms. Allen shook her head with a muffled grin. "I think you should… eh, have a little conversation with him about anatomy, or strictly speaking anatomical differences between boys and girls?"

They were rendered momentarily speechless, the brief silence quickly followed by Meredith's outburst.

"Excuse me?" she narrowed her eyes at the caregiver. "You're telling me to talk about birds and bees with Mikey? He's a two-year-old toddler, not a horny teenager! What kind of place is-"

"Meredith," Derek interrupted her placing a hand on her shoulder. "Ms. Allen, can you explain why are we even talking about this?"

"Well, Mike has been trying to… look under girls' skirts…" she clarified with an amused facial expression that woke in Meredith an instant desire to punch her square in the face.

"Oh," was all Derek could muster to say, torn between amusement and horror at the perspective of having this kind of conversation again with one of his children. The memory of giving explanations to Bessie as to why her new born brother had a wee wee between his legs still stood vividly embarrassing in his mind. He should get used to that though. His kids were growing like mad, one day he'd have to explain everything, meaning everything… He gulped heavily deciding to focus on the current problem.

"Most kids notice the difference between the sexes a bit later," went on the caregiver. "But Mike's is obviously a very curious child, just like his sister. So I think-"

"We know what you think," cut her Meredith with a wide fake smile. "Now, could you do your job and call our children?"

Ms. Allen's jaw slacked open but she stammered out, "Of course, be right back."

"Mer," Derek started cautiously. "I think it was a little uncalled for."

Meredith folded her arms over her chest, "I don't need some smug girl fresh from college telling me my son is on the best way to became a manwhore."

"I… I think you're taking this pretty far," he muttered. He needed to choose his words wisely. Meredith was a great mother but she was always touchy about _those things_ as though afraid that some less illustrious parts of her past might have somehow travelled to her children's DNA and influence their lives in the way she would hate to see.

"I think… I might have overreacted…" she acquiesced. "Uhm, you'll talk to Mike?"

"Of course I will," he sighed. "But don't you think we should do it together?"

"I… I don't want him to grow into a manwhore," she bit her bottom lip.

"What do you want him to grow into? A McDreamy?" he quipped.

"Why not?" she looked him in the eye.

"That's gratifying, but Meredith," he caressed her cheek with his thumb. "You can't shy away from these topics. One day, you'll need to talk with Bess about… some things that she might be uncomfortable with me," he finished lamely.

"I… I guess," she let out a deep sigh.

"Mommy! Daddy!"

Bessie and Mike ran up tangling between their legs. Meredith grabbed their daughter's hand while Derek scooped up Mike into his arms.

"Ms. Allen said you were a naughty boy today," Derek addressed his son sternly as they made their way out of the hospital.

Meredith bit her bottom lip to stifle the laughter that shook her up inside at his words, but it was a failed attempt. Derek tried to shoot her a reproachful look yet it was painfully clear that he fought himself not to give an outward sign of his amusement.

"I told you I'm bad at this," Meredith shrugged off lightly.

"Oh, I disagree," he smiled half-tenderly, half-smugly, his notorious McDreamy smile on. "You're so good at this."

"Not in front of the kids," she mouthed saucily and the four of them went out into the parking lot, basked in the hot afternoon sun.

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**A/N Sooo? Please, ****don't hesitate to let me know what you think about this update or the story so far. This story's going to be a great journey for me and I truly need your feedback!**

**The next update is one third ready so I don't think I'll be keeping you waiting long.**

**Greetings from Brussels,**

**Em :)**


	5. Chapter 5: Tell It To My Heart

**A/N Hi, this chapter should have been up ages ago but my other story got in the way. I plan on updating it regularly from now on though.**

**Quick reminder of what's happened recently: MerDer are trying for a baby while Mer was invited to take part in five-month research in Europe.**

**Enjoy!**

* * *

Baby-making sex rocked, fleeted through Meredith's head as Derek's hand slipped inconspicuously under her shirt, teasing the small of her back with his fingertips as they walked together through the corridor of their department. She had heard opinions that trying for a baby took all the fun away, but apparently not for her and Derek. If anything, it served as a good excuse to make love with staggering frequency. It was probably because they were trusting mother nature. They were just acting on their libido, which became the more insatiable, the more they tried to satisfy it. Like now, for example. They were already after a round of the bendy thing in the shower. They barely reached their workplace and the desire coursed in their blood all over again.

"My office or yours?" whispered Derek mischievously catching her earlobe between his teeth.

She glanced around with a giggle and locked her arms around his neck, pressing her body flush against him.

"Mine, I'm in a flexibility mode today," she answered before pulling his lips into a fierce kiss.

They crashed against the wall with a moan as it pushed them together more violently. Derek fumbled blindly for the door handle to Meredith's office behind her heaving form. It was imperative they came inside or they would… come outside for everyone to see. They finally stumbled into the small room, a moan of relief escaped Derek's throat. Nothing would stop him from taking his horny wife, nothing… except…

"Have you two got no regard for feeling of others?" They heard Cristina's amused voice. "My feelings, for example. I can't even work in this hospital without the fear of walking into you in a position taken straight out of a hardcore porn movie."

Derek pulled back with frustration. He could kill Cristina right now. There would be no witnesses other than Meredith and he could give his wife a mind-blowing orgasm to keep her quiet… or loud.

"Dr. Hunt," he gritted out instead, knowing it would piss the female surgeon.

"It's Dr. Yang," she hissed predictably. "Not every woman agrees to put on the collar of patriarchy like your wife."

"We'll hear out your fascinating treatise on feminism sometime later, _Dr. Hunt_," he answered back pronouncing Owen's surname adamantly. "We've been just about to something more important. Mer, my office…"

To his surprise and irritation, Meredith resisted slightly. She spotted a piece of paper in her best friend's hands, a piece of paper that should be nowhere near Derek.

"We'll finish later," she planted a chaste kiss on his lips and pushed him out to the corridor.

"You can't ask me to leave," he frowned indignantly.

"I think she just did," Cristina wiggled her eyebrows smugly. "Having penis is not everything."

He turned away to his own office with a disgruntled expression as Meredith shut the door into his face.

"You haven't said anything about that," said Cristina a little accusingly, flinging the letter from Paris in the air.

"There's nothing to tell," she remarked lightly. "You spy through my papers now?"

"I was looking for snacks," shrugged Cristina. "I know you're stocked for the midgets. But I found…" Suddenly she grimaced with disgust and distanced the letter, holding it gingerly between two outstretched fingers, like with pincers. "It stinks, did you do the nasty on it?"

Meredith rolled her eyes. "Michael's puppy carried it in his jaws. Besides... Derek doesn't know," she sighed sinking into a chair.

"So, you're not going?"

" ' Course not," Meredith answered decidedly.

"You know what it would do to your chances for the second Harper-Avery in a row?" inquired shrewdly Cristina.

"I know, I also know what it would do to my family."

"Okay," nodded Cristina.

"Okay, what have you been doing here so early?" Meredith nudged her leg under the table.

Cristina shifted with discomfort. She had hoped for an eye to eye conversation with her person, maybe even a freak-out therapy session but in the light of what she learnt from the letter… Surely, Meredith assured that she had no intention whatsoever to leave Seattle. But you didn't just usually say no to a proposition like that… Cristina felt it was too touch-and-go, she went back on her words and said instead, "Owen wants barbecue so… we're gate crashing or something to your wilderness one evening."

Meredith looked at her quizzically quirking her eyebrows. "Owen wants barbecue… and you're such a good little wife to fulfill his wishes from the moment the sun rises…"

Cristina stopped herself from letting out gagging noises and quipped, "He gives me sex."

"Riiiight," gasped Meredith studying her face scrupulously.

"What, you think you and McDreamy have a monopoly for the cheesy?"

"I think we do," grinned Meredith stashing the manhandled envelope deep into her drawer.

* * *

"Dr. Shepherd!" a nurse called Derek as he was passing the nurses' station on his way back from the OR. "There's a call for you!"

Mouthing silent thanks to her, he took the receiver and pressed it to his ear.

"Dr. Shepherd speaking."

"Docteur Shepherd?" a male voice speaking with a heavy French accent seemed surprised. "Ah, Docteur Shepherd, neurologist?"

"Yes," he chuckled. He knew well enough what was going on, it wasn't the first time. Every other day there was a mix-up involving him getting paged instead of Meredith, or Meredith being asked for a consult instead of him, the fact that they worked in the same specialty additionally complicating the matter. "I think you wanted to talk to my wife, Meredith."

"Ah, yes," confirmed the man at the other side of the line enthusiastically. "Exactlee! How curious, you are both docteurs?"

"Indeed," laughed Derek. "I'm sorry for the confusion."

"Non, I am sorry for my manners," argued the man. "I didn't introduce myself, Roger Fournier from-"

"From Paris, I know," finished for him Derek. "It's an honor. I'm Derek Shepherd."

"Could I speak to your wife, Docteur Shepherd?"

"She was just pulled to surgery. I'm afraid, it might take hours," explained Derek with a small sigh. They didn't have time to meet after she threw her out of her office to talk to Cristina and it look like they wouldn't meet for a sexy lunch date. "Can you tell me what is this about? I can pass your message as soon as she's finished."

"Bon, I wanted to ask her if she could possibly change her decision," sighed Dr. Fournier. "I know her answer but I insist that her participation in research is invaluable!"

"Research?" repeated Derek, blankness filling his bran. He was sure Meredith didn't mention any project involving as prestigious a figure as Dr. Fournier.

"Are you sure Dr. Shepherd's mind cannot be changed?"

"I'm… not sure," frowned Derek playing by the ear.

"I understand Dr. Shepherd to have prior commitments but really, I cannot imagine better conditions for a study here _a Paris_. We have rich sponsoring guaranteed, all five months."

"Right," said dryly Derek.

"But you know this already," sighed Dr. Fournier. "I would be _trè_s grateful if you could tell your wife I called."

"Of course, Dr. Fournier," assured Derek.

A deep frown creased his forehead as he put down the receiver. How could Meredith not mention an offer of collaboration with one of the most renown neurologists in the world? He shook his head disbelievingly. Not only did she overlook telling him this minor detail, she blatantly ignored him while making the decision. She didn't care asking him for his opinion as it was completely irrelevant in the equation. As though she knew better herself, all by herself… And maybe she did?

* * *

"I would have killed her with my own bare hands," Cristina shook her head telling Meredith about her latest patient as they stopped for a quick coffee. "I thought she was never going to decide on the valve: porcine or bovine, porcine or bovine, porcine or bovine… Her whining got me a headache!"

"A little sympathy for your patient, Cris," laughed Meredith. "She was probably unbelievably stressed. It's not a piece of cake from her point of view."

"She wasn't stressed," disagreed Cristina. "She was a woman obsessed. And the operation ran smoothly, no complications, boring!"

Meredith only rolled her eyes laughing. As she shook her head, she spotted her husband walking hurriedly from the elevator and thought maybe they'd have an opportunity for a little tête-à-tête.

"Derek?" she waved at him from the coffee machine. "You have a moment?" she asked him when he caught up with them.

"Actually… I'm heading to the pit for a consult," he answered crisply barely meeting her eyes.

"And later…?" she frowned at him slightly, something seemed off.

"I have a procedure in the schedule," he cut off.

"Yeah, at three," nodded Meredith. "But before-"

"Frankly, I'm tired, I'd like to catch a nap earlier," he muttered checking his pager.

"So, we'll see each other later?" she squinted at him suspiciously.

"Yeah." With that monosyllable he took off, Meredith and Cristina staring at his back in consternation.

"Why is the princess upset?" asked Cristina, her eyebrow raised skeptically.

"I have no idea," Meredith folded her arms over her chest, curious about the reason behind her husband's bad mood.

"He's probably stomping off because his ego's hurting," shrugged Cristina. "Denying sex and all that."

"I didn't deny him anything," argued Meredith. "Just put it off, and seriously, he doesn't get to be offended for that. He must be the most sexually satisfied man in Seattle. Especially now."

"Hey, don't look at me," quipped Cristina. "I didn't invent men."

"Well, if he thinks this attitude will get him laid, he's wrong," promised Meredith.

* * *

The rest of the day proved Meredith that maybe she was the one in the wrong. Derek's mysterious behavior couldn't be connected in any way with their sexual life. It would have been too trivial a reason for the silent rage he was exhibiting. It went further than just being cross with her. He was mad, mad and snappy. He was civil in front of the children but it didn't stop him from ignoring her during their ride home and afterwards. He seemed unable to look at her. And he avoided her touch when she passed her hand through his hair when he played with Mike on the carpet in the living room.

With years of experience in handling Derek, Meredith waited for the confrontation until after the kids were put to bed and asleep. She once more checked up on her two little sunshines, turned off the bedside lamp in Bessie's room and with a deep breath, entered her marital bedroom.

Derek was already getting ready for bed, pulling his tee on.

"I thought… we were going to have a bubble bath together," she started cautiously.

"The bathroom is all yours," he said dismissively grabbing the alarm clock to set the hour.

"I don't want it to be all mine," she tried softly walking up behind him and hugging him around his waist. She nuzzled her nose into his back, he was all fresh from the shower. "I want to share with you…"

"You could have fooled me," he muttered under his breath but loudly enough for Meredith to hear.

She let go off him and walked around to face him. "What's wrong? You've been acting like that since the afternoon so don't you think you should tell me what's the problem?"

"You don't know what's the problem," he repeated coldly. "The wedding vows didn't say anything about lying because I didn't think we needed it."

Derek's accusation and the hurt she saw clearly in his eyes knocked the air of her chest. "What… what are you talking about? I haven't lied to you about anything!" she said desperately.

"Maybe not directly," he finally faced her. "But you lied by omission, you can't deny that!"

All color seemed to drain from her face. "What…?" she asked feebly. "Derek, let's just sit down and talk-"

"I don't think it's me you should be talking to," snorted Derek. "I spoke with Dr. Fournier today. He wants you to contact him."

Meredith opened her mouth to say something but felt at a loss for words. Derek knew about the offer of the study in Paris. He wasn't supposed to learn like that, she was supposed to tell him, later.

"Now you're speechless," he pointed out pitilessly.

"Derek, I wanted to tell you…" she began her apologies, immediately realizing the words she chose couldn't be more cliché.

"You wanted?" he mocked her. "And you couldn't, right? You didn't have time? Wait, we only work and live together. It's so hard to scrape some time together, isn't it?"

"We just had… more important things on our minds," she tried to explain.

"Of course, I bet you told Cristina." He looked at her knowingly and slid under the covers.

"I didn't tell her." Meredith passed a hand over her forehead tiredly. "She found the letter."

"Convenient," he commented dryly.

She sat on the bed beside him and gently caressed his forearm.

"Derek, I am truly sorry you learned that way," she looked at him pleadingly. "But… I said no anyway. I didn't think there was much to discuss."

"Not much to discuss? Meredith!" he shook his head disbelievingly. "You get invited to a research project worth millions of dollars and there isn't much to discuss?"

"Derek, we're trying for a baby," argued Meredith. "We have two small children. Why would I ever consider going away for five months?"

"Maybe at least you could include me in your plans?" he bit back raising his eyebrows.

"I did, you were constantly on my mind-"

"Oh, so you did this for me?" he laughed bitterly. "You sacrificed yourself for me?"

"I didn't say that!" she gasped. "And certainly I didn't think that!"

"I have no idea what you thought, Meredith. I always had trouble guessing what's going on in your head."

"Derek! I-"

A sudden rustle coming from the baby monitor interrupted them and Michael's sleepy voice sounded in the room.

"Mommy? Mommy!"

"I'm going to check on Mike," said Meredith standing up and walking swiftly to the door. "We're going to talk about it when I'm back."

She quietly entered her little son's room finding him fussing in the bed.

"Mikey," she whispered. "Are you alright, Sweetie?"

"Mommy," he mumbled, sleep clouding his head.

She lit the little lamp that made shiny boats and ships drift on the dark walls and ceiling and crouched beside the bed, putting an arm around her son.

"What is it, Honey?" she asked sweetly, her thumbs caressing his cheeks. "Does your tummy hurt?"

"Nuh-uh," he shook his head, his dark curly locks making stark contrast with the pillow even in the dimmed lights.

"Did you have a bad dream?" she bumped her nose into his playfully.

"No!" he giggled.

"So you just woke up and wanted mommy?" she kissed both of his cheeks.

"Yes," he yawned quietly, his eyelids fluttering.

"And mommy is here," she whispered lovingly. "You can sleep soundly, little one. Mommy is here."

She tucked him and whispered, "I love you."

"Laff…" he huffed back, sleep already reclaiming his little body.

She stayed beside him a little longer, his peaceful steady breathing acting like a balm on her nerves. She liked to think she wasn't the worst mother in the world, she liked to think she gave them the sense of security her own childhood so blatantly lacked. She was there when they needed her and she wasn't going to change that. Certainly not for a rush of surgery, not for her career.

Finally, she got to her feet and tiptoed back to the master bedroom, intent on apologizing once more to her husband and making peace with him. However, Derek was already fast asleep. Or at least, he was pretending to be. With a sigh of resignation, she moved to the bathroom and filled the bath with water. As she let her limbs soak up in the warmth, her worries seemed to dissipate momentarily. Derek had a right to be mad at her, she kept a big secret from him. But even he couldn't reproach her long for choosing their family over medicine.

* * *

**A/N If you're still interested in this fic, please give me a shout out.**** It was on hiatus since November so there might be a considerable loss of interest.**

**I'm off to see the sneak peeks for Thursday.**

**Em**


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